I’m no saint. Never was.
I’ve spoken without applying conscious thought sometimes in the past. Ive termed some people I perceived not good looking as ugly; some people with very dark skin as kalia; some fat people as motu or fatso; some very skinny people as sukdu or refugee; some people i did not agree with and or did not like as a##hole and or bi###; someone very old as buddha; i have laughed at the poor- humour made by others, like by stand up comedians and some friends) on unfortunate people who have mental retardation and even called people retards; termed a girl whose character i thought questionable a prostitute or w####; cracked rape jokes… i think the list is longer.
I did it as i was immature.
Perhaps because i forgot the values I had been brought up with, maybe under peer pressure trying to conform to the wrong people I had surrounded myself with. And maybe because I had never interacted closely with the blind, the autistic, cerebral palsy children, never known of the pressures and crimes some women could not survive and became prostitutes, had never known of how life can break people for some women and men to whore their dignity and themselves for whatever reasons, never read what rape survivors suffer, i had never met people who starve to death, I am growing older myself so im going to be a buddha too someday, in one second any accident can occur and i can become someone that someday else will term as ugly or lame. i realised i myself have behaved like an a##hole sometimes.
I have acted without consciousness. I hope never to repeat the mistakes Ive made, yet I still make mistakes.
I am expressing this because some people may like to know i have made the same mistakes i felt they may be making; and i am now conscious of not repeating them ever. Im learning kindness myself and its not hard.
I forgave myself long back. I expressed all this so that maybe someone else not be the kind of asshole I have sometimes been in the past and continue to be even now sometimes. 😦